Nobody's Girl

The Final Frontier

2010-12-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

"Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Her five year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life
and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before."
~ Star Trek opening monologue

Sounds silly, I know, but it seems to describe my life over the past few years. I've traversed ground I never expected to have to navigate. And when I thought I'd found steady ground and regained my footing, I managed to hit uncharted territory again.

And that's good.

It proved to me what I've always known...I can handle it.

So, as my life continues to evolve and change shape I will continue to document it. But not here. This place holds too many old memories, too many records of painful times, too many reminders of experiences put to rest.

I don't believe in regrets. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. And that is why I won't delete this blog.

But life moves on. And so will I.

The era of Nobody's Girl is over and done. On to the new frontier.

Doesn't Really Feel Like Christmas At All

2010-12-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

"Trying to right a wrong
Just walk away
Those windows say
But I can't believe she's gone

When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all"

~ "Christmas Lights", Coldplay

I'll forever regret the time I didn't invest in you. I'll forever regret not being the friend and cousin you deserved.

I'll never forget you.

Old Rag

2010-11-17T13:14:00.001-07:00

"But she's just one more rag now he's dragging behind him"

~ "The Curse", Josh Ritter

Art

2010-09-22T14:29:00.001-06:00

This scene is one of the many (all?) scenes in this film that moved me beyond repair.

I have always believed Colin Firth to be one of those artists that doesn't do what he does because he wants to but rather because, quite simply, he must. And this scene proves it.

I could watch this movie every single day. The yumminess of it is beyond words, the tragedy beyond heartbreaking, the styling and cinematography sublime, the thoughtfulness of every scene like a comforting dip in a pool late at night.

(And, seriously folks, how cool is it that Jon Hamm is the voice of "Hank Ackerley"? Love it.)

Summer's End

2010-08-27T10:06:00.001-06:00

What a summer it has been. A new family member, a new home, new friends, new way of life.

We were lucky enough to be able to spend ten days in the most beautiful place on earth. Home. One morning, while the kids were still sleeping, I was able to capture just a smidgeon of the early morning sunshine that streams in through the windows with my phone. So many summers of my life have been spent waking up to this sunshine. The only thing keeping me from feeling sad about summer ending is knowing this sunshine will be there next year.

Happy weekend.

Lifeline

2010-08-12T14:26:00.000-06:00

He has this funny habit of always grabbing on to my necklace when I pull him away from my body. At first I thought it was just a fluke but then noticed he does it. Every single time.

There's no way I could anticipate how his presence would change our lives. Would change me. I thought my first child was the one that saved my life (and she did) but now I realize they all have. One little step at a time.

He adores his sisters and they adore him...almost to the point of frustration at times. But then we have these little moments of tenderness and I realize....we're tethered. And at the end of a long day of bickering children or nothing getting tackled on the To Do List or long nights without sleep or whatever endless list of challenges to be faced....I realize they are my lifeline.

Blue

2010-07-07T14:16:00.001-06:00

"I've got a mad proposition
Put your heart on the line
Take it out of its shell
And I’ll give you mine

We'll ease into space
It's something to do
Come with me
We'll always be blue

We can start over
It's never too late
We get a second chance
Everyday

We'll ease into space
It's something to do
Come with me
We'll always be blue"
~ "Blue" Bob Schneider

His presence is a constant reminder of just how fortunate I am. Just how amazing this life can be. That love is something we do, not something we have.

I love you, Rhys Vincent. I always, always will.

Definition

2010-06-17T16:04:00.000-06:00

hyp·o·crite
[hip-uh-krit]
–noun

1.a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2.a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Kiss

2010-05-19T15:26:00.000-06:00

Not much longer.....six weeks and counting.

Inward Eye

2010-03-19T11:52:00.006-06:00

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
~ "I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud" - William Wordsworth

Appropriate

2010-03-18T14:01:00.010-06:00

Recently, I spoke with a friend of mine that had endured a particularly difficult break up. She felt spent and devastated like no other time in her life. I encouraged her to not give up, to take the time to really live in this moment, to take it all in and learn from it. Mourn it, really mourn it, and move on. But she just couldn't get past it. She just wouldn't get past it. I reiterated that she simply had to move on....to give him the power was just not an option.

She told me of it being his birthday yesterday and how she ached from the loss. The inability to just wish him a happy birthday. I reminded her he wasn't worthy of her well wishes. That sometimes it's best that you don't have contact. That some people just can't be friends.

And then I stopped dead in my tracks, realizing this was good advice. For myself.

Twenty years ago, I was a somewhat naive, bright-eyed young girl getting married. I knew deep-down in my soul that this wasn't the right thing for either of us but we forged ahead, hoping for the best. And, of course, it didn't work out. And we wounded each other deeply. And we went on with our lives, licking our wounds in the shadows and covering them up with as much scar tissue as possible.

One year ago I was that same girl yet not so naive and definitely not as bright eyed. I'd given up, to a certain degree. And I chose to act inappropriately. To inflict pain and suffering on myself and others instead of facing the pain and suffering in my own life. But, in some wonderfully painful twist of fate, I was able to finally reclaim that bright-eyed young girl.

And yesterday I, too, was faced with the dull ache from that loss. That inability to say "hi, how ya doin', glad life is treating you well". But it was only when I was thrust backwards suddenly by a voice from my past that I was reminded just how important it is to cut ties with certain people. Whether good or bad, whether I was able to survive them or not, it's never worth it to revisit the past when the present is what I've spent my whole life fighting for.

Timing Is Everything

2010-03-17T14:23:00.003-06:00

The slate's been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.

It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

That you've even received this Note, that you're able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.

Ain't no Blarney,
The Universe

The Universe never lets me down, that's for sure. The thing I know for sure now, that I didn't know in my thirties (and couldn't even contemplate in my twenties, for God's sake!), is that no matter what stumbles I have along the way - I always end up making the right choice for me. The things that seem to be bad decisions.....the "bad" boyfriends, bad haircuts, hasty words said in anger.....all of it....it was all the right choice. Because it landed me here.

And here is good. Really, really good.

Sick and Tired

2010-02-26T12:09:00.003-07:00

The resident nurse (me) has come down with the same plague that's rocked our children for the past 10 days. Which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that the nurse is 5 months pregnant and can't take any drugs worth a hoot.

See you soon. Hopefully.

Grey Gardens

2010-02-03T13:43:00.007-07:00

When visiting Spokane over the past few years, we always found ourselves in what would turn out to be our 'hood when we moved here. It's a gorgeous, lush, intricate neighborhood full of parks, playgrounds, historical sites, neighborhood coffee houses, ice cream shops, water parks, a new co-op, health food store and gardens. Lots and lots of gardens.

Duncan Garden has always been our favorite so when we found our house that is a scant two blocks away we were beyond thrilled.

Duncan Garden, Spokane (soggy and gray)

Not only were we fortunate enough to find a great place in the neighborhood of our dreams but we get to walk the First Grader to and from school through the Manito gardens every day. The most difficult challenge is which garden to walk through.

So many gardens, so few school days in the week.

Best Laid Plans

2010-01-28T13:18:00.004-07:00

"I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime
Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is just what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans"
~ John Lennon, "Beautiful (Darling) Boy"

Truer words have never been spoken.

In the light of adversity, sometimes the Universe hands you a wonderful reminder that life and all the challenges that come along with it is truly worth all the trouble. 2009 was a very tough year with a lot of challenges, both self-imposed and not so self-imposed, but it was all worth it. And now, this little one, is our reward.

I love you beautiful boy. I promise I'll make you happy.

Better Late Than Never

2010-01-26T14:43:00.003-07:00

I don't think anyone has suffered greatly while I have been absent but here I am.

Lots going on. Lots of changes. All for the better. Best.

Updates soon....in the meantime, happy new year!

And knowing how wonderful life could be after all the heartache, I'd do it all again.

Believe

2009-12-24T13:53:00.002-07:00

May your days be merry and bright.

Happiest of holidays to you all.

Home Sweet Home

2009-12-21T13:22:00.004-07:00

Almost there....

In the process of moving. Let me tell you...moving during the holidays adds an element of stress that boggles the mind. But it's so worth it.

See you soon, love.

And The Deed Was Done

2009-12-11T11:00:00.002-07:00

"There's a chapel in Minneapolis
Holds the bones of a dead saint in it
And the stain glass glows from the ceiling there
It reminds me of the feeling where I first looked into your eyes
And saw the most beautiful birds fly
Straight into the sun with their wings on fire
And the deed was done."
~ Bob Schneider, "Changing My Mind"

This song is on heavy rotation in my life. Not for the sentiment of lost love but for the powerful beauty and simplicity of accepting that what is, simply, is.

I've gone through a staggering whirlwind of changes over the past year. Only to find myself right back on the path I was originally on. But stronger and more sure of my life and identity than ever before.

This song embodies that sentiment for me. The overwhelming feeling of passion and love. The soft embrace of knowing myself and knowing exactly who I am, what I want and where I'm going.

Mystery

2009-12-03T12:12:00.001-07:00

My new obsession.

(oh, how I love covers when they're done this way.)

Gathered Safely In

2009-11-30T11:55:00.003-07:00

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love.

Happily

2009-11-13T12:12:00.005-07:00

"Well if I spell it out
If i get it out
Will you hear me?
When I tell you about what I have to say
Before it gets too late
It's not as easy as they said it would be
But there’s something right about you and me
Something right about you and me
We're like good times that haven’t happened yet
but will.
I can tell you where we're gonna be
When the whole world falls into the sea
We'll be livin’ ever after
Happily."
~ Bob Schneider, "40 Dogs and Cigarettes (Like Romeo and Juliet)

Love is never an easy thing. Not real love.

There is no fairytale when it comes to loving someone. Sure, there's romance and tender moments but what I've learned is that true love, longlastingdowntoyourbonesTRUELOVE, is not easy.

But it's so, so worth it.

Tough Girl

2009-11-10T13:14:00.006-07:00

We took an impromptu stroll through the Idaho Botanical Gardens this Sunday and found so many hidden treasures amongst the recently expanded trails. While exploring the new childrens' gardens we stumbled upon a curious display.

After poking around, we realized there was an inscription on the crayon.

The First Grader asked what it said. I read it. She wondered who Bri was. I explained that she was a little girl that had been sick and died. Way too young. Then we spotted this...

The First Grader immediately grabbed a pencil and paper and wrote Bri a note. It read:
"Because of your courage, you are special." Then she drew a picture of herself and an angel and hearts all around.

Wow.

2009-11-04T12:46:00.006-07:00

Quite simply, just WOW.

Because of my good fortune in showing my work at the Flying M after John Padlo, I was able to not only admire his amazing work but meet him. It turns out he's not only a talented artist but also a kickass website designer.

Lucky, lucky me.

Change

2009-11-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

What's so funny is nobody's laughing
at this change of heart you're having.

What's so funny is I'm filled up with thunder.
I can't seem to get out from under all these stones
you tied to my chest.

I can't change your mind.

What's so funny is I'm scared and lonely.
And I don't think I'm the only one
as I watch you drive away.

And what's so funny is the birds are singing.
The sun is shining and the bells are ringing.
And I'm thinking, "What happened here?"

And I can't change your mind.

There's a chapel in Minneapolis, holds the bones of a dead saint in it. And the stained glass glows from the ceiling there. It reminds me of the feeling when I first looked into your eyes, saw the most beautiful birds fly straight into the sun, with their wings on fire. The deed was done.

Oh, and I can't change your mind.

What's so funny is this piece of skin.
The one on my arm with your name inked in.
What was I thinking?

What's so funny is the way things go down.
Like when a star dies it doesn't make a sound,
it's just gone.
And you can't find it when you look into the sky.

I can't change your mind.
I can't change your mind.
I can't change your,
I can't change your mind.
I can't change your mind.
I can't change your mind.
I can't do it.

There's a werewolf out on my front lawn
and he's lookin' pissed off.
And he's wet from all the rain.
I think I'll go say hi.
And offer him a beer.

Bob Schneider - Changing My Mind

Helen

2009-10-29T10:49:00.000-06:00

Spotted during a stroll on Boise's beautiful greenbelt.

I only hope that my loved ones will remember me in such a simple and succinct way.

Huntin

2009-10-27T11:36:00.000-06:00

Life is busy, busy and will only get busier and busier with the holidays approaching. Until I have something interesting to say, here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

I never tire of her smile.

Hers either.

Glad someone noticed the mamarazzi.

If ever a picture captured the essence of them, this is it.

Pash

2009-10-19T12:12:00.000-06:00

Oh I love, love, love me some Ellen Page but, for me, Pash stole my heart in Whip It.

The Age of Princesses and Pirate Ships

2009-10-16T09:27:00.000-06:00

The Six Year Old has always had an innate love of music. It's fascinating to watch how certain music and songs, in particular, capture her attention. And heart.

Lately, Taylor Swift has been at the top of her Favorites list. And, I'm only too happy to indulge her.

Yesterday, I received notification that the "Fearless" cd had arrived at our library after requesting it months ago. We've been having a particularly difficult time lately, trying to get along as mother and daughter, so I was thrilled to know that I'd have something to surprise her with and, hopefully, bridge the chasm that has grown between us as we struggle to stand our respective ground.

I carefully placed the cd jewel case in her booster seat so that when she got into the car after school she would see her beloved Taylor. As I sat in the front seat, holding my breath in anticipation, I watched as she opened the door, picked up the cd, sat down and placed it in her lap.

Nothing. Silence.

"Aren't you excited about the cd?" I queried in total disappointment. "Of course!" she exploded, feigning disgust and rolling her eyes. I turned around, deflated, and pushed play on her favorite song.

Later that night, I listened to the cd, familiarizing myself with the songs, the lyrics, the melodies. While I realize she currently is a pop sensation, it became very clear to me why the Six Year Old was so taken. The lyrics are raw, unedited....honest. The melodies catchy but richly complicated. The sentiment is that of the human spirit.

This song, obviously, spoke to me on so many levels. As a friend. As a partner. As a daughter. As a mother. As a human being trying to connect and make my way. I hoped, as I listened to this earnest celebration of the mother/daughter bond, that I could find my way to be the mother, and the person, that I've always aspired to be.

I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

Fight Like a Girl

2009-10-14T11:15:00.000-06:00

These aren't Hollywood's smoke and mirror derby b*tches. These girls are the bonafide real deal.

As I've made mention before, I'm proud to know at least one of them. (you GO, Ruby!)

Blush

2009-10-12T13:01:00.000-06:00

Gah.

Not only does the dress kill but she just glows like no other bride I've seen, in recent memory.

Move On

2009-10-08T11:47:00.000-06:00

Learn to love yourself.

And move on.

Recognition

2009-10-07T11:54:00.000-06:00

"She wears short skirts, I wear sneakers, she's cheer captain, and I wanna be her."

I turn around and offer to teach the First Grader how the lyrics really go. She nods yes, I begin to sing "She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers".

Silence. A brief spark in her eye then she says "hmmmm...that's nice mommy but I'm gonna sing it my way".

Stunned. Stinging. Recognition.

"That's good, baby. Always sing it your way, okay?"

She beams.

I turn back around to hide the tears welling up as she resumes belting it out.

Her way.

Spud

2009-10-06T12:15:00.000-06:00

There are certain people in this world that are only too quick to declare that Boise is stupid.

To which I say...

SUCK IT.
(what the hell do they know, anyway)

Bad Girl

2009-09-29T10:07:00.000-06:00

It's no secret that Peggy is my favorite character on AMC's "Mad Men". She is a richly complicated woman - I identify with her seemingly meek demeanor and her relentless battle with her own strength. She is tragic and triumphant in nearly every scene and this last episode was no disappointment.

Conundrum

2009-09-27T00:15:00.000-06:00

I love shitty people. They are usually quite attractive. And fun. And sexy. And exciting. And they trick me into believing I'm all those things. And more.

I love shitty things. They are usually quite attractive. And fun. And sexy. And exciting. And they trick me into believing I'm all those things. And more.

I love doing myself in. It usually makes me feel attractive. And fun. And sexy. And exciting. And it tricks me into believing I'm worth it all. And more

But guess what?

It doesn't. They don't. I'm not.

So Right

2009-09-24T10:24:00.000-06:00

Drivin' home this evening
I coulda sworn we had it all worked out
You had this boy believin'
Way beyond the shadow of a doubt

Then I heard it on the street
I heard you mighta found somebody new
Well who is he baby - who is he
And tell me what he means to you

I took it all for granted
But how was I to know
That you'd be letting go

Now it cuts like a knife
But it feels so right
It cuts like a knife
But it feels so right

There's times Ive bin mistaken
There's times I thought I'd been misunderstood
So wait a minute darlin'
Can't you see we did the best we could

This wouldn't be the first time
Things have gone astray
Now you've thrown it all away

Now it cuts like a knife
But it feels so right
It cuts like a knife
But it feels so right.

Only one person in the entire world will understand this one. I love you, B.

Lights Out

2009-09-22T11:35:00.000-06:00

(Alexa, I hope to gawd we don't see this on a Sears commercial. Oy.)

Un

2009-09-15T09:57:00.000-06:00

To love means loving the unlovable.
To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable.
Faith means believing the unbelievable.
Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.

~ G.K. Chesterton

(My eversolovely niece always inspires me. Thank you, J for this one.
It was very, very timely.)

2009-09-14T13:26:00.000-06:00

From really far out in space,
do you know what you look like?

A star.

A super star.

Love you like crazy glue,
The Universe

Remember

2009-09-11T11:34:00.001-06:00

Today I will do my best to be the person that I need to be and not the person that it's easiest to be.

Today I will do my best to focus on the fun. The funny. The beautiful.

The brevity.

Today I will do my best.

Today.

I will.

Overfired

2009-09-10T13:54:00.001-06:00

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth.

~ Martha Wainwright

Romeo and Juliet

2009-09-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

well if I spell it out if i get it out will you hear me when I tell you about what I have to say before it gets to late its not as easy as I said it would be but there’s something right about u and me something right about u and me well you’re the color of a book you’re the color of a sideways look from an undercover cop you’re the color of the book. You’re the color storm in june of the moon you’re the color of the night that’s right color of a fight you move me you’re the color of the color part of the wizard of oz movie were like romeo and Juliet were like 40 dogs cigarettes well good times that haven’t happened yet but will i can tell you where were gonna be when the whole world fall to the sea we’ll be livin’ ever after and happily all the boys taking you for granted tell you what they want with their eyes all slanted. I don’t like the way they look at you . I don’t like the way they talk too. I don’t like the way they talk to you. I wouldn’t let them talk to you like that. put’um up high reach for the ceiling tell them to walk dammit im real’in it aint no crime its just dreams we’re stealing anything to get more of this feeling you take the high and ill take the low well get their before you know we aint got no time to waste we got too much light to taste were like romeo and Juliet and 40 dogs cigarettes with our good times that haven’t happened yet but will i can tell you where were gonna be when the whole world fall to the sea well be livin’ ever after and happily sometimes you remind me of a moonbeam on the ghost of a moonbeam out on the beach down by the coast slip into manila like the most beautiful thing ive ever seen come out tonight come out with me baby well throw the careful into the crazy turn the sky black into a sky blue turn the color shade into a hoo hoo what I say is true make fire gotta burn a few make fire gotta burn a few we can do what we want to do were like romeo and Juliet were like 40 dosgs cigaretts well good times that haven’t happened yet but will i can tell you where were gonna be when the whole world fall to the sea well be livin’ ever after and happily

Available today at iTunes.

Still the Same

2009-09-08T09:47:00.000-06:00

His heart had caught cold
It's colder than is assumed
I dared a few poses
The girl was me.

(did I mention I adore Martha Wainwright? I do. I really, really do. And Martha singing Edith is just too much for me. Almost.)

Cage

2009-09-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

There are days when the cage
Doesn't seem to open very wide at all
There are others that would shock
The most indiscriminate lovers of all
My heart was made for bleeding all over you

You've got a girlfriend and I can only
Talk about her for so very long
Then my mind turns into my heart
And whispers into that dark cave that I've been wronged

My heart was made for bleeding all over you
And I know you're married but I've got feelings too
But I still love you

You moved up North and got a farm house
There's cow shit in your brain and love in your heart
I'm in the city and I'm trapped between
Two buildings then having to start at the start

You've got a daughter, now you're a father
You have your pack and they are wild

My heart was made for bleeding all over you
And I know you're married but I've got feelings too
And I still love you
I still love you

I've got feelings too
And I still love you
Yes, I still love you.

Celebrate

2009-09-01T17:14:00.000-06:00

An invitation to the dance of life.

teledysk
by andaluska

Just a Thought

2009-08-26T11:48:00.000-06:00

Praise Be

2009-08-25T10:42:00.000-06:00

This one goes out directly to my badass friend, Vani (aka, Ruby Ruckus), who (for me) will always be the original roller derby mama.

You rock it, Ruby. Hard.

Bingo

2009-08-22T11:43:00.001-06:00

This is no newsflash to any of you that belong to the ranks of Tarantino fans (me, being one of the many) but he is an outright genius.

This movie is incredible. Just incredible. And please, dear Oscars Gods, please make sure Christoph Waltz receives an award for his venerable portrayal of Colonel Hans Landa.

Ray

2009-08-21T11:57:00.000-06:00

Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder
Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun
She's got herself a universe gone quickly
For the call of thunder threatens everyone

Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when earth shall be as one

And I feel
Quicker than a ray of light
Then gone for
Someone else shall be there
Through the endless years

She's got herself a universe

And I feel
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel

Quicker than a ray of light she's flying
Quicker than a ray of light I'm flying

A little funk for your Friday. I watched a live rendition of this by Natasha Bedingfield on the Today Show and not only did it blow my socks off but it reminded me how powerful this song is and how powerful it makes me feel.

Happy Weekending!

Warning

2009-08-19T14:20:00.000-06:00

This is a photo of mine that consistently gets a strong response. Local residents marvel that it is one of the guard towers at the Old Idaho Penitentiary near the lustrous Idaho Botanical Garden.

I've thought a lot, recently, about the warning signs in my own life. It is a consistent fact that I always, always see the forest for the trees but choose to take the easy way out. The less confrontational way out.

But not any more.

For those of you who do not think highly of me, that consider me troubled (with a warped sense of the world against me), that consider me manipulative and hiding behind others (like my parents or other family members), that think of me as wild and impetuous (not like those ruled by the moon who are shy and sensitive) I give you a final warning. If you think so poorly of me and yet choose to sit in silence while you read my blog on a regular basis, I suggest you stay away. The fact that you choose to judge and keep tabs on me says far more about your character than mine. If you took the time to be in contact with me, out in the open, you'd find I'm just fine. Better than fine. And maybe even someone you'd enjoy having in your life.

Nie

2009-08-17T10:13:00.001-06:00

Dear Nie,

You don't know me and, technically, I don't know you. But you have touched me and reminded me on a near daily basis how fortunate I am to have all that I have in my life. You will never read this but I just had to go on record as saying you inspire me. You are other-worldly. And, most important of all, you are BEAUTIFUL.

So very brave and beautiful.

I am so grateful for all that I have in my life but today, you reminded me, how grateful I am that you were not taken in that horrible plane crash.

Launch

2009-08-13T11:02:00.000-06:00

Last Fall, I learned of the terrible news of Stephanie and Christian Nielson's plane crash that killed the pilot, Doug Kinneard, and left them in critical condition. The story of their life together and their four beautiful children was enough to reduce me to a puddle of tears. It also inspired me to remember just how lucky I am, how lucky we all are, and never to get caught up in the trivial minutiae of our brief lives.

Over the past six months (or so), my life has experienced its own series of bumps, crashes and head-on collisions. It's been more than challenging to remain focused and to stay the course. Trying to live in the most honest and truthful of ways. As we all know, it's never easy. But the part that is easy, I'm finding, is the part where you love. Unconditionally.

Thanks to Nie's sister, Courtney, and her devoted and inspiring blog I have been able to be reminded on a continual basis of what is important, what is worth the fight and what is worth letting go.

I Scream

2009-08-12T11:01:00.000-06:00

While in the Emerald City this past week (shout out to all my peeps that made the effort to hang with me!), I spied this commercial not nearly enough times. I dare you, no, I double-dog dare you not to play it more than three times. I couldn't.

Little Girl

2009-08-04T10:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Little Girl,

I want to wish you the happiest of birthdays.
I want you to know just how loved you are.
By me.

All of the people that don't believe in you, that try to take the best of your bright spark, that tell you they love you and leave you in their dust, that promise you the world and leave you wanting...know that they've only made you stronger.
Brighter.
More beautiful.

Happy Birthday, Little Girl.
I will never forget you.
I will love you.
Always.

Lucky No. 7

2009-07-27T09:56:00.000-06:00

Seven Years Today.

Eve

2009-07-26T14:07:00.000-06:00

Sweet love
Standing at my gate
It sure
Would feel good
To feel good again
Oh my sweet love

You say
That you need me
You'll always
Believe me
Oh, my sweet love
That our love
Is forever
We'll always
Be together
Oh, my sweet love

You say
You'll always
Come through
There's nothing
That you won’t do
Oh, my sweet love
But I've heard it
All before
I can't beg you
Anymore
Oh, my sweet love

You're the woman
Who knows exactly
What she's doing
You're the girl
Who ate
The apple
Off the tree
When you're good
You're just crazy
When you're bad
You're too much

You say
You'd never hurt me
You'll never
Desert me
Oh my sweet love
That your words
Are always true
I can depend on you
Oh, my sweet love

When you get
In the wind
And all the storms
Begin
Oh my sweet love
When you're sad
And dismantled
And all
Your senses rattled
Oh my sweet love

You're the woman
Who knows exactly
What she's doing
You're the girl
Who ate
The apple
Off the tree
When you're good
You're just crazy
When you're bad
You're too much

Sweet love
Standing at my gate
It sure
Would feel good
To feel good again
Oh, my sweet love

Power and Grace

2009-07-23T12:57:00.000-06:00

This needs no introduction or explanation.

This will be burned on my memory forever. While I was only an outsider looking in while she battled her illness, it reminded me of my sister-in-law's power and grace and how she is missed, so much, every single second of every single day.

Yes.

2009-07-22T14:25:00.000-06:00

Yes, Yes, Yes! A million, zillion times.....YES.

Rosemary

2009-07-20T15:23:00.000-06:00

Who knows your birthday
Who knows your number
Who knows your color
Who knows your hands
Who knows the sum
The sum of all your parts

Who knows your limit
Who knows your highest
Who knows your lowest
Who knows your in
Who knows that bottom
The bottom of your heart

Hold on hold on
Keep holding on to me
I will love you from the bottom
No one holds you better than me
Hold on hold on
Doing the best we can
I will love you on your birthday
I will love you better than them

Who knows the reason
Who knows the cure
Who knows the answer
Who knows the cause
Who knows the pain
The pain when we're apart

Hold on hold on
Keep holding on to me
I will love you from the bottom
No one holds you better than me
Hold on hold on
Doing the best we can
I will love you on your birthday
I will love you better than them.

I Am Woman

2009-07-15T11:36:00.001-06:00

When reading this post from my eversofab niece, it got me thinking about my all-time favorite movie and scene by Sophia Loren. Her unabashed womanliness in this scene....those hips, those thighs, flipping her hair with total abandon. It made me realize how wonderful it is to be a woman and that it's absolutely nothing to ever be ashamed of.

~ It Started in Naples, 1960

Get thee quick to Netflix and watch this film at least twice. You won't be able to get enough of the inimitable Sophia, the dashing Clark and the precocious Marietto. Buono!

Price

2009-07-13T11:13:00.000-06:00

"It really is laughable, when you think of it
I just have to laugh at what a joke it is
That I got wrapped up in ____
____'s ambiguity
And just the ridiculousness
Of it all."
~ Nobody's Girl chatting with a trusted friend, realizing the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Second Best

2009-07-13T11:03:00.000-06:00

I don't know when to start or when to stop
My luck's like a button
I can't stop pushing it
My head feels light
But I'm still in the dark
Seems like without tenderness there's something missing
Tenderness
Where is the
Tenderness
Where is it?

I don't know where I am but I know I don't like it
I open my mouth and out pops something spiteful
Words are so cheap, but they can turn out expensive
Words like conviction can turn into a sentence

I held your hands
Rings but none on that finger
We danced and danced
But I was scared to go much further with it
Just half a chance
Make sure that one night you're here,
But next night you're not
It always leaves me searching for a little

Tenderness
Where is the
Tenderness
Where is the
Tenderness?

Whistling in the graveyard
Calling up your girlfriend
Just trying to make her understand
You're squeezing the telephone like it was her hand
No question (so many questions)
She's going to catch you out boy
It all seems so underhand
Now she's the only thing that ever made you feel like a man, man
Madman, madman

Tenderness
Where is the
Tenderness
Tenderness
Tenderness
Where is it?

I held your hands
Rings but none on that finger
We danced and danced
But I was scared to go much further with it
Just half a chance
Make sure that one night you're here,
But next night you're not
It always leaves me searching for a little

Tenderness
Where is the
Tenderness?

I'm just sick to death of second best, pet
Why should the morning always find you unimpressed?
Is your love like a button?
You can't stop pushing it?
Oh this all night longing can be such a long time.

Go

2009-07-08T09:33:00.000-06:00

No more lying friends
Wanting tragic ends
Though they do pretend
They won't go when I go

All those bleeding hearts
With sorrows to impart
Were right here from the start
And they won't go when I go

And I'll go where I've longed
To go so long
Away from tears

Gone from painful cries
Away from saddened eyes
Along with him I'll bide
Because they won't go when I go

Big men feeling small
Weak ones standing tall
I will watch them fall
They won't go when I go

And I'll go where I've longed
To go so long
Away from tears

Unclean minds mislead the pure
The innocent will leave for sure
For them there is a resting place
People sinning just for fun
They will never see the sun
For they can never show their faces
There ain't no room for the hopeless sinner
Who will take more than he will give
He ain't hardly gonna give

The greed of man will be
Far away from me
And my soul will be free
They won't go when I go

Since my soul conceived
All that I believe
The kingdom I will see
'Cause they won't go when I go

When I go
Where I'll go
No one can keep me
From my destiny.

Wasted

2009-07-07T11:19:00.000-06:00

"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it.
Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

~ Faye in That Thing You Do!

Double Time

2009-07-06T11:21:00.001-06:00

When watching VH1 Classic's broadcast of the US Festival, I realized what a watered-down version of myself I have become. I longed for the days of having no time for people that were a waste of my time and, instead, pouring myself into a culture that thrilled and excited me.

I realize motherhood can change you and I'm grateful for the changes I've gone through as a result. But, as with most relationships, you tend to lose a big part of yourself in that process. After watching this blast from the past, I decided to find that girl again. Surely, she's not gone forever?

River Deep, Mountain High

2009-07-03T09:47:00.001-06:00

Off to the mountains we go for sun, sand and fireworks.

Hope your Independence Day is a happy and safe one!

I Stand Alone

2009-07-02T12:35:00.000-06:00

I read your book
And I find it strange
That I know that girl and I know her world
A little too well
And I didn't know
By giving my hand
That I would be written down, sliced around
Passed down among strangers' hands

Three days in Rome
Where do we go
I'll always remember
Three days in Rome

Never again
Would I see your face
You carry a pen and a paper
And no time and no words you waste
Oh, you're a voyeur
The worst kind of thief
To take what happened to us
To write down everything
That went on between you and me

Three days in Rome
And I stand alone
I'll always remember
Three days in Rome

And what do I get
Do I get revenge?
While you lay it all out
Without any doubt
Of how this would end
Sometimes it goes
And sometimes we come
To learn by mistake
That the love you once made
Can't be undone

Three days in Rome
I laid my heart out
I laid my soul down alone
I'll always remember
Three days in Rome

I've not spent three days in Rome but I did spend three days in a place that feels like home to me and have paid the price ever since. Dearly. As with dropping a stone in a pond, it's not necessarily the initial disturbance of all things seemingly peaceful but the ripples that continue on and spread out.

I've found the search for living in the truth is not an easy road in any way, shape or form. And people get hurt. And, if you put too much trust in them, you pay the ultimate price. Losing yourself.

I have enabled so many people in my life. Many, many people and their issues. Their baggage. Their bad behaviors. I've done so in the hopes of helping them reach higher ground. Find happiness in themselves and, in doing so, share happiness with me. This has not happened.

But I see now, more clearly than I've ever seen it in my forty years, that no one is worthy of me having to pay that price. No One. And I will never, EVER pay that price for anyone again.

It only seems fitting on this Independence Day, that I will reclaim my independence. That I will no longer entertain those that have their own agendas, most often at the expense of others. My expense.

I am taking a stand.

Alone.

Histoire

2009-06-29T14:01:00.000-06:00

All I can say about this, is that I've always loved Edith Piaf and I've become such a fan-extraordinaire of Martha Wainwright that when I happened upon this performance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, I just about passed out from sheer bliss.

(And her shoes! Can we just talk about the shoes for a sec?! Oy.)

Grow

2009-06-24T20:24:00.000-06:00

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers 'Grow....grow.' "
~ The Talmud

I love you, Angel. I know you're out there.

Tell All

2009-06-18T05:47:00.000-06:00

Get out of bed, pick up the phone
Time to tell the press
Say to myself, I can't do no-one else
There's a whole world outside
I'm gonna tell it all
I'm gonna sell it all
I'm gonna sell
Get out of bed
Come out and sing
Blue skies ahead
The man who told everything
And I feel, like I'm losing my head
I didn't mean to stay
Lives have been wrecked, and I've picked up my cheque
Catch a plane out of here
I'm gonna get out of here
I'm gonna get out of here
I'm gonna sell
Get out of bed
Come out and sing
Blue skies ahead
The man who told everything

Doves

2009-06-17T12:18:00.000-06:00

Currently on heavy, heavy rotation.

There's just something about a song that sounds like a train.

Fright

2009-06-16T14:39:00.001-06:00

Seriously, people. If this does not make you simultaneously guffaw and have nightmares, I just don't know what will.

Love is a Verb

2009-06-08T12:37:00.000-06:00

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little.

Again

2009-06-05T12:14:00.000-06:00

We've all seen it before but let's watch it again, shall we?

I doubledogdare you not to smile while watching this. (and wishing you could do this routine on the treadmill as well)

Vanity

2009-06-04T16:47:00.000-06:00

Please excuse me while I try to squeeze my big, fat head through the doorway....

Courtesy of Kevin Wilson
(please contact me if you want his information
as he has no online gallery set up yet)

Herd

2009-06-03T14:16:00.000-06:00

While I do not judge those that adore the Jonas Brothers, I have never been able to join the herd.

Until today....

Clearly the song is too long for dear, sweet Joe. He may need to watch some of the pros do it.

Case in point:

My niece, doin' her thang.

And, of course, the original.

Forgettable

2009-05-30T17:17:00.000-06:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

~ Neil Gaiman

Yeah. What he said.

Forget

2009-05-28T09:59:00.001-06:00

I was countin' notches
On my belt
You were countin' miles
'Til your last hell
We were too close in to forget
There's only so much
A girl can take
Only so much love
A man can fake
We were too close in to forget

And it was over before it started
Now we got no right to be brokenhearted
But at least we knew what we wanted
'Cause it was over before it started

I was going short
She was going long
Licking her wounds
Singing her song
We were too close in to forget
There's only so much
A beat up man can take
Only so many ohs
A girl can fake

And it was over before it started
Now we got no right to be brokenhearted
But at least we knew what we wanted
'Cause it was over before it started

Free music - Over Before it Started

Made

2009-05-27T10:12:00.000-06:00

Shut. Up.

Thank you, again, Metro Express Car Wash.
Whatta thrill!

Metro

2009-05-26T13:54:00.001-06:00

I am ridiculously proud to announce (and not even one little bit ashamed to boast) that my photography is being featured this week at the Metro Express Car Wash in downtown Boise.

If you are a fellow Boisean and happen to be downtown any time between 8 p.m. and 6 a.m., please be sure to take a look. Otherwise, you can always check out my gallery or shop. Keep track of news and events at Oranje's blog and, if you are on Facebook, become a fan!

Many, many thanks to those of you that have supported me throughout this process so far. I truly could not have done any of this without your encouragement (and you know who you are!).

In Your Pocket

2009-05-25T20:26:00.000-06:00

Tap, tap, tap
Are you there
Entertain me.

Buzz, buzz, buzz
Come find me
Distract me.

You answered the phone
Took my message
Stole my heart.

Kissed me softly
Hugged me tight
Danced on my toes as my feet
Planted themselves
Firmly on the ground.

Raised me up
Tore me down
Left me with a mess we both made
A dream indomitably tucked away
In your pocket.

Now I wake
The whisper of good morning
In my ear
With the scent of lemons
On my breath.

Now I fall asleep
A movie of movement
Stuck on replay
The sound of trains
Echoing tribulation.

Tap, tap, tap
Compel me
Buzz, buzz, buzz
Beguile me

Silence.

Drown

2009-05-19T11:57:00.000-06:00

I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Some things cannot be bought

I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly

And now I find

I've changed my mind

The face of you
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love

Barefoot

2009-05-18T10:20:00.000-06:00

My wish for you is that you succeed beyond your wildest imagination. That you find love in places that astound you. And that you have friends who call you "just because." I dream that you go barefoot more than you wear shoes. That you play as hard as you work. And that you laugh more than you cry. I want you to set the bar high, but not too high. To reach for the stars, but with your toes on the ground. And to never, ever stop dreaming. But most of all I wish for your happiness.

And these dreams of mine are what started it all.

Besos,
The Universe

The Universe always knows just what to say to me when I'm doubting whether I can move forward.

Sheep Go To Heaven

2009-05-15T09:10:00.000-06:00

My entire life, I have had a hard time spotting a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I am only able to see the potential in someone and not the reality of who and what someone truly is. That is why the results of this test came as absolutely no surprise to me.

"You are something of a drifter: honest with yourself in some situations, blind to reality in others. You may be taken in by manipulative, dishonest, or damaged people. Pay attention whenever this happens. Notice the circumstances and people that end up disappointing you, and steer clear of anything that feels similar."

Obviously I need my trust-o-meter recalibrated but the most disturbing part of this exercise was reading the Scientific Method. This statement rattled my cage more than anything.

"It's not the end of the world if Person X lies to you. Lying to yourself, on the other hand, can make your life so miserable, the end of the world might be a relief."

But, in reading "Learning to Trust Everyone and Everything", I realized I am on the right path. In training myself to accept everyone and everything which means trusting that if they have supported me they will continue to support me and if they've continually let me down they will continue to let me down, I am essentially letting go.

I'm starting to detect a theme.

Modern

2009-05-14T10:15:00.000-06:00

One of my fave spots in the world (yes, the world, people) not only was a part of First Thursday but hosted this incredible event. It made me ridiculously proud to witness not only a stellar turnout but the people that showed up were interesting, friendly and not boring or po-dunk in any way, shape or form. Total validation that my city does not match the lousy reputation some people have given it.

This was a candid shot at the end of the evening. It not only was a wonderful evening out with the Hubs but totally and completely rekindled my love of all things art.

You can check out more photos here.

Birth

2009-05-13T09:45:00.000-06:00

After reading yet another shining example of how talented my dear friend Deb is, it got me wondering exactly how long I'd been swimming around in this lovely blogging internet ether. Much to my surprise, it's been exactly two years.

Two years? Really?!

Yes, really. Two whole years. And that got me thinking even more about all that's transpired in my life in just two little measly years. New friendships, lost friendships, babies turning into children, lost babies, new love, lost love, reconnecting with family, losing touch with family, ....it's staggering to think of what has been packed into the past 733 days.

What really startled me was this statement: "I'm also planning a foray into the creative arts." I had no idea, at the time, what I was about to embark upon. I had this specific idea of what I was going to do, who I was going to be...funny how that works out.

But the best part? The best part is that where I'm at now, who I am now....it's exactly where and who I want to be. Where and who I am supposed to be.

I can't wait to see where I am in the next 733 days. Thanks for playing along with me.

**Ann, thank you again for urging me to follow my creative urges and kicking me in the ass when required. As always, you are the sister I always hoped for.**

Magic

2009-05-12T10:44:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning in love with my life.

It's been a long time coming and I had to process and purge a lot of unsavory stuff. But I made it. And I believe in magic again.

This video captures my feelings at the moment.

Love Sex Magic from ho color on Vimeo.

I double-dog dare you not to shake your moneymaker to this one.

Let Go

2009-05-11T09:49:00.000-06:00

Here in Cologne
I know I said it wrong
I walked you to the train
And back across alone
To my hotel room
And ordered me some food
And now I'm wondering why the floor has suddenly become a moving target

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

Says here an astronaut
Put on a pair of diapers
Drove eighteen hours
To kill her boyfriend
And in my hotel room, I'm wondering
If you read that story too?
And if we both might
Be having the same imaginary conversation

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

Weightless as I close my eyes
The ceiling opens in disguise

Such a painful trip
To find out this is it
And when I go to sleep
You'll be waking up

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go.

As you get older and gain more life experience, one of the most liberating and yet sometimes painful skills you gain is being able to let go. I've come to learn, especially over the past six months, that there are essentially two varieties of people: those that want to see you succeed at any cost and those that prefer to use you for their own self-gratification - setting you up to fail constantly in an effort to validate their own feeble lives. And, while seeing people for who they truly are and not the potential I see in them is a formidable task, it's ultimately easier to let them go so as to move on and better myself.

Four, three, two, one...

Shiny and Strong

2009-05-06T10:13:00.000-06:00

Go ahead and build your castle
Way up so high
That you have to cut yourself
A big hole in the sky
Make it all golden
And shiny and strong
Make it so it'll last forever
And won't ever do you wrong

And it'll make a sweet sound all around
It'll make a sweet sound when it all comes down

You know you'll never be the same
You know it's easy to lay the blame
At the altar of the temple
Of the excuses you've made
Until your smiles as thin as a razor blade

And if you want to know the reason
Why I don't mind
You'll have to come back some other time
All your explanations are made of sand
When you try to reach for the truth
It just slips through your hands

Tend to your garden growing there in the sun
Work your whole life away not having any fun
Cause all the plans you make'll just take you away
From the only time that you've been given today

Construct all your defenses the best way that you can
Until you've got steel skin like superman
Until the wall's so high you can see right through
Until the wall's so wide that love can't get to you

Over It

2009-05-04T17:30:00.000-06:00

I stopped tryin' to write the things I don't like
And I started goin' back to where I'd been before
She said "I don't blame you I'd do the same"
Opportunity knocks knocks knocks open the door
But I think she saw through it
I see through myself
Another chance gone, won't get many more

But I'm not the only guy I know that
I'm not the only guy I know that
You never notice
The only guy I know, well I'm not the only guy I know
That you never notice

I stopped tryin' to write the things I don't like
And I started goin' back to where I'd been before
She said "I don't blame you I'd do the same"
Opportunity knocks knocks knocks open the door
But I think she saw through it
I see through myself
Another chance gone, won't get many more

But that's not the only lie I told you
That's not the only lie I told you
You never notice
The only lie I told you, that's not the only lie I told you
You never notice
The only lie I told you, that's not the only lie I told you
You never notice

I can tell you're in denial, get over it.

"The fact that I expect you to be there at my convenience, probably much to your mental anguish, makes me an asshole."

Thank you for this. It was just the wake-up call I needed.

Composed

2009-05-03T14:15:00.001-06:00

It is always so gratifying to find that a musician you have great appreciation for is held in high regard by others. Especially others that you would never, ever expect. I became an instant fan of Ben Folds after I stumbled upon this album which ended up being a regular feature in the soundtrack of my life during a very transitional time. I return to it again and again, always finding new meaning in lyrics, the melody, the tone.

Then I read this and this and then watched this and I was newly inspired.

Extraordinary

2009-05-01T10:19:00.000-06:00

She's an Extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And she cant seem to get away

He lacks the courage in his mind
Like a child left behind
Like a pet left in the rain

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She sees the mirror of herself
An image she wants to sell
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss
From her hearts apocalypse
From the one called whatsername

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
Some days it's not worth trying
Now that they both are finding
She gets so sick of crying

She's an Extraordinary girl.

Save Me

2009-04-29T10:11:00.000-06:00

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you're breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

Erin McCarley "Love, Save The Empty" from Endeavor Media Group on Vimeo.

Wicked

2009-04-28T09:57:00.000-06:00

Forgive me,
For I did not know.
'Cause I was just a boy
And you were so much more

Than any god could ever plan,
More than a woman or a man.
And now I understand how much I took from you:
That, when everything starts breaking down,
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town
something beautiful and new.

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town.

Miz Popular

2009-04-27T16:04:00.000-06:00

WOW.

Who knew I was so popular in Salt Lake City? I'm totally flattered. Really, I am. Maybe I need to come down for a visit.

And here I thought I was most popular in California...

Use Your Words

2009-04-23T11:01:00.000-06:00

It was a rare moment that I had with my eldest daughter last night. After a long day of playing in the sun, her younger sister had passed out while watching cartoons. I was sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window thinking of people and places far away and listening to an album that plays like a custom-made soundtrack to my emotional life for the past few months. She quietly slipped into the chair across the table from me and asked me what was for dinner.

After putting her plate in front of her and sitting back down in my own seat, I watched her eat and sway to the music. I've always reveled in how passionate she is about music....a trait of mine I love to witness in her.

"Mommy...are bands in our world or the make-believe world?" I told her they were most assuredly in our world. She continued to sway, this time with her eyes closed....hair softly swinging back and forth.

"Can we go see a real band in our world?" I whole-heartedly vowed that we would.

More swaying with her eyes closed.

"I just love how he says his words." I sat stunned. I loved how he said his words too. I asked her what she meant, silently hoping she would utter the words I was thinking in my heart of hearts.

"I just love how he says his words exactly how I feel them."

We swayed together. Hair softly swinging back and forth.

Love

2009-04-21T10:47:00.000-06:00

"I must remember this: it is worth the pain in trying to obtain. The hopeless and the hopeful moments all have meaning and purpose. No matter how many times it happens, I will never regret emotion spent on falling in love. ~ c jane"

I'm learning a lot about love, lately. Right when I thought I had it figured out, it zips and zooms into and out of my grasp. All the more elusive. All the more enticing.

I fell in love at a bus stop. Feeling safe if only for the briefest of moments. I fell in love watching an elephant patiently indulge it's patrons. I fell in love to a song. Burning my heart hot with it's melody.

I fell in love.

Copious Prize

2009-04-20T14:20:00.000-06:00

I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for

I really do fear that I'm dying
I really do fear that I'm dead
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live

All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint

You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more

I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize

Grey

2009-04-19T16:02:00.000-06:00

Because I am a huge fan of "Grey Gardens" I was thrilled at the prospect of watching the new HBO film but also feared it would turn out to be a butchered version of the incredibly haunting and bewildering original documentary.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

A longtime fan of Drew Barrymore, I was excited to watch her in this but never, ever expected to be so moved by her performance. Her obvious dedication to this role was mind-blowing. Jessica Lange gives an ardent performance as well, balancing accuracy and homage in every line.

I dare you to not find these two clips astonishingly similar. Ms. Barrymore should be nothing short of proud and I would wager to believe her ancestors are looking down on her with great pride as she carries out the familial gift of acting.