Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Final Frontier

"Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Her five year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life
and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before."
~ Star Trek opening monologue



Sounds silly, I know, but it seems to describe my life over the past few years. I've traversed ground I never expected to have to navigate. And when I thought I'd found steady ground and regained my footing, I managed to hit uncharted territory again.

And that's good.

It proved to me what I've always known...I can handle it.

So, as my life continues to evolve and change shape I will continue to document it. But not here. This place holds too many old memories, too many records of painful times, too many reminders of experiences put to rest.

I don't believe in regrets. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. And that is why I won't delete this blog.

But life moves on. And so will I.

The era of Nobody's Girl is over and done. On to the new frontier.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Doesn't Really Feel Like Christmas At All

"Trying to right a wrong
Just walk away
Those windows say
But I can't believe she's gone

When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all"


~ "Christmas Lights", Coldplay 



I'll forever regret the time I didn't invest in you. I'll forever regret not being the friend and cousin you deserved.

I'll never forget you.
 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Old Rag

"But she's just one more rag now he's dragging behind him"



~ "The Curse", Josh Ritter

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Art

This scene is one of the many (all?) scenes in this film that moved me beyond repair.



I have always believed Colin Firth to be one of those artists that doesn't do what he does because he wants to but rather because, quite simply, he must. And this scene proves it.

I could watch this movie every single day. The yumminess of it is beyond words, the tragedy beyond heartbreaking, the styling and cinematography sublime, the thoughtfulness of every scene like a comforting dip in a pool late at night. 

(And, seriously folks, how cool is it that Jon Hamm is the voice of "Hank Ackerley"? Love it.)

Friday, August 27, 2010

Summer's End

What a summer it has been. A new family member, a new home, new friends, new way of life.


We were lucky enough to be able to spend ten days in the most beautiful place on earth. Home.  One morning, while the kids were still sleeping, I was able to capture just a smidgeon of the early morning sunshine that streams in through the windows with my phone. So many summers of my life have been spent waking up to this sunshine. The only thing keeping me from feeling sad about summer ending is knowing this sunshine will be there next year.

Happy weekend.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Lifeline

He has this funny habit of always grabbing on to my necklace when I pull him away from my body. At first I thought it was just a fluke but then noticed he does it. Every single time.

There's no way I could anticipate how his presence would change our lives. Would change me. I thought my first child was the one that saved my life (and she did) but now I realize they all have. One little step at a time.

He adores his sisters and they adore him...almost to the point of frustration at times. But then we have these little moments of tenderness and I realize....we're tethered. And at the end of a long day of bickering children or nothing getting tackled on the To Do List or long nights without sleep or whatever endless list of challenges to be faced....I realize they are my lifeline.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Blue


"I've got a mad proposition
Put your heart on the line
Take it out of its shell
And I’ll give you mine


We'll ease into space
It's something to do
Come with me
We'll always be blue


We can start over
It's never too late
We get a second chance
Everyday


We'll ease into space
It's something to do
Come with me
We'll always be blue"

          ~ "Blue" Bob Schneider 


His presence is a constant reminder of just how fortunate I am. Just how amazing this life can be. That love is something we do, not something we have.

I love you, Rhys Vincent. I always, always will.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Definition

hyp·o·crite
[hip-uh-krit]
–noun

1.a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2.a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Kiss


Not much longer.....six weeks and counting.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Inward Eye

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
~ "I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud" - William Wordsworth

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Appropriate

Recently, I spoke with a friend of mine that had endured a particularly difficult break up. She felt spent and devastated like no other time in her life. I encouraged her to not give up, to take the time to really live in this moment, to take it all in and learn from it. Mourn it, really mourn it, and move on. But she just couldn't get past it. She just wouldn't get past it. I reiterated that she simply had to move on....to give him the power was just not an option.

She told me of it being his birthday yesterday and how she ached from the loss. The inability to just wish him a happy birthday. I reminded her he wasn't worthy of her well wishes. That sometimes it's best that you don't have contact. That some people just can't be friends.

And then I stopped dead in my tracks, realizing this was good advice. For myself.

Twenty years ago, I was a somewhat naive, bright-eyed young girl getting married. I knew deep-down in my soul that this wasn't the right thing for either of us but we forged ahead, hoping for the best. And, of course, it didn't work out. And we wounded each other deeply. And we went on with our lives, licking our wounds in the shadows and covering them up with as much scar tissue as possible.

One year ago I was that same girl yet not so naive and definitely not as bright eyed. I'd given up, to a certain degree. And I chose to act inappropriately. To inflict pain and suffering on myself and others instead of facing the pain and suffering in my own life. But, in some wonderfully painful twist of fate, I was able to finally reclaim that bright-eyed young girl.

And yesterday I, too, was faced with the dull ache from that loss. That inability to say "hi, how ya doin', glad life is treating you well". But it was only when I was thrust backwards suddenly by a voice from my past that I was reminded just how important it is to cut ties with certain people. Whether good or bad, whether I was able to survive them or not, it's never worth it to revisit the past when the present is what I've spent my whole life fighting for.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Timing Is Everything

The slate's been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.

It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

That you've even received this Note, that you're able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.

Ain't no Blarney,
The Universe


The Universe never lets me down, that's for sure. The thing I know for sure now, that I didn't know in my thirties (and couldn't even contemplate in my twenties, for God's sake!), is that no matter what stumbles I have along the way - I always end up making the right choice for me. The things that seem to be bad decisions.....the "bad" boyfriends, bad haircuts, hasty words said in anger.....all of it....it was all the right choice. Because it landed me here.

And here is good. Really, really good.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Sick and Tired

The resident nurse (me) has come down with the same plague that's rocked our children for the past 10 days. Which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that the nurse is 5 months pregnant and can't take any drugs worth a hoot.


See you soon. Hopefully.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Grey Gardens

When visiting Spokane over the past few years, we always found ourselves in what would turn out to be our 'hood when we moved here. It's a gorgeous, lush, intricate neighborhood full of parks, playgrounds, historical sites, neighborhood coffee houses, ice cream shops, water parks, a new co-op, health food store and gardens. Lots and lots of gardens.

Duncan Garden has always been our favorite so when we found our house that is a scant two blocks away we were beyond thrilled.

Duncan Garden, Spokane (soggy and gray)

Not only were we fortunate enough to find a great place in the neighborhood of our dreams but we get to walk the First Grader to and from school through the Manito gardens every day. The most difficult challenge is which garden to walk through.

So many gardens, so few school days in the week.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Best Laid Plans

"I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime
Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is just what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans"
~ John Lennon, "Beautiful (Darling) Boy"

Truer words have never been spoken.

In the light of adversity, sometimes the Universe hands you a wonderful reminder that life and all the challenges that come along with it is truly worth all the trouble. 2009 was a very tough year with a lot of challenges, both self-imposed and not so self-imposed, but it was all worth it. And now, this little one, is our reward.

I love you beautiful boy. I promise I'll make you happy.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Better Late Than Never

I don't think anyone has suffered greatly while I have been absent but here I am.

Lots going on. Lots of changes. All for the better. Best.

Updates soon....in the meantime, happy new year!



And knowing how wonderful life could be after all the heartache, I'd do it all again.