Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Save Me

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you're breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

Erin McCarley "Love, Save The Empty" from Endeavor Media Group on Vimeo.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Forgive me,
For I did not know.
'Cause I was just a boy
And you were so much more

Than any god could ever plan,
More than a woman or a man.
And now I understand how much I took from you:
That, when everything starts breaking down,
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town
something beautiful and new.

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Miz Popular


Who knew I was so popular in Salt Lake City? I'm totally flattered. Really, I am. Maybe I need to come down for a visit.

And here I thought I was most popular in California...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Use Your Words

It was a rare moment that I had with my eldest daughter last night. After a long day of playing in the sun, her younger sister had passed out while watching cartoons. I was sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window thinking of people and places far away and listening to an album that plays like a custom-made soundtrack to my emotional life for the past few months. She quietly slipped into the chair across the table from me and asked me what was for dinner.

After putting her plate in front of her and sitting back down in my own seat, I watched her eat and sway to the music. I've always reveled in how passionate she is about music....a trait of mine I love to witness in her.

"Mommy...are bands in our world or the make-believe world?" I told her they were most assuredly in our world. She continued to sway, this time with her eyes softly swinging back and forth.

"Can we go see a real band in our world?" I whole-heartedly vowed that we would.

More swaying with her eyes closed.

"I just love how he says his words." I sat stunned. I loved how he said his words too. I asked her what she meant, silently hoping she would utter the words I was thinking in my heart of hearts.

"I just love how he says his words exactly how I feel them."

We swayed together. Hair softly swinging back and forth.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


"I must remember this: it is worth the pain in trying to obtain. The hopeless and the hopeful moments all have meaning and purpose. No matter how many times it happens, I will never regret emotion spent on falling in love. ~ c jane"

I'm learning a lot about love, lately. Right when I thought I had it figured out, it zips and zooms into and out of my grasp. All the more elusive. All the more enticing.

I fell in love at a bus stop. Feeling safe if only for the briefest of moments. I fell in love watching an elephant patiently indulge it's patrons. I fell in love to a song. Burning my heart hot with it's melody.

I fell in love.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Copious Prize

I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for

I really do fear that I'm dying
I really do fear that I'm dead
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live

All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint

You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more

I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Because I am a huge fan of "Grey Gardens" I was thrilled at the prospect of watching the new HBO film but also feared it would turn out to be a butchered version of the incredibly haunting and bewildering original documentary.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

A longtime fan of Drew Barrymore, I was excited to watch her in this but never, ever expected to be so moved by her performance. Her obvious dedication to this role was mind-blowing. Jessica Lange gives an ardent performance as well, balancing accuracy and homage in every line.

I dare you to not find these two clips astonishingly similar. Ms. Barrymore should be nothing short of proud and I would wager to believe her ancestors are looking down on her with great pride as she carries out the familial gift of acting.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I Spy

The Five Year Old received a digital camera for Christmas and she took to it like a duck to water. I like to think it's a trait she inherited from me but, if anything, it's something we love to do together.

After much procrastination, I finally downloaded and edited some of her stuff....a job I relish. I realize and fully admit I'm ridiculously biased but here are a few shots that I am totally impressed with.

Cool lighting even if she didn't intend for it to look this way.

Umbrella in storefront window display.

Super cool self-portrait.

Friday, April 17, 2009


To those of you that were kind enough to follow me to my new home here in the ether, thank you. I am so very grateful for the friends I've made and the friends I have. Especially during a very trying time in my life.

To those of you lurking in the shadows trying to read something between the lines? Stay away or I'll post something you really DO NOT want to see or read. Get on with your perfect, happy life and leave the rest of us alone.

You know who you are.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

For You

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look at the stars look how they shine for you.

For all of those I love, especially myself, as we forge ahead through this messy, wonderful thing called life. Look how they shine for you.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


"Give it thought. Consider every angle. And then speak your mind.

You've not been drawn into anyone's life just to listen.

Loud and proud,
The Universe"

My dear friend Deb was contemplating this very concept recently. As is typical for me, when commenting on her cogitation, I responded with my first reaction.

My gut reaction.

I have learned over time that even though I try to count to ten (and sometimes count to ten again and again) that when I revisit an experience I can always, always say with confidence that I should have gone with my first reaction.

My gut reaction.

And, it appears, The Universe agrees with me.

Yes, loud and proud indeed.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Lost All Faith

"Such it is before you are handed back the keys to your new kingdom. Take a look - see that what you put your faith in doesn't deserve your faith anymore. Remember Saturn - you're doing it your way - name it and claim it. The barrenness of that feeling is actually the new space where you can start creating the reality you want."

I recently lost all faith. But, thanks to this mind-blowing insight shared by a friend, I'm reclaiming it. On my terms.

Friday, April 10, 2009


Wait for me, my love. In the hereafter.

And I'll follow you....

When I'm lost, you bring me back
When I cry, you make me glad
When I think I have it bad
I think of You

When I don't know where to go
And I feel like I'm alone
When I hang my head down low
I think of You

Each night You wait outside my door
Cause You want to know, I think of You...

When I fall into a snare
And it's all too much to bear
When I think nobody cares
I think of You

When the going's getting tough
And I feel like giving up
When I think I've had enough
I think of You

You've always been and You'll always be
Even to the end, I'll think of You

You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life
And I'll follow You...

When it's time to say goodbye
And a tear wells in my eye
I can hold my head up high
When I think of You

My flesh is weak, but Your Spirit wills
That my heart and mind, will think of You

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


"He was totally out of my league. Of course now I know that no one and nothing is out of my league. Age has given me some self-respect, if nothing else."

A friend recently shared this ridiculously simple yet profound statement. And then she posted this pic of me.

I was stunned when I saw myself. The irony is that I was in such a state of flux.....broken-hearted, broken, lost. But I look incredibly healthy, happy, youthful...and DAMN look at my hair!

But upon closer examination, I see a more accurate picture emerge. I'm in a smoky, booze-drenched bar (where I practically lived, at the time). I've sidled up to some stranger, putting on a fraudulent smile so the world won't see what's going on with me on the inside.

I excel at being all things to others and nothing for myself. A chameleon, of sorts, mirroring my environment so as to not be destroyed by it.

So the girl with the big, shiny smile and the somewhat broken heart and spirit still lives on. She just realizes now that she creates her own reality. Heartbreak, happiness, and all.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


In a weird way, this new pic captures how I feel lately.